i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
