My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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