Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
