I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
