Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Randomize
