Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
