my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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