seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I would ride that face into the sunset
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
