Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
