I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
