Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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