i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize