i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
