There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
