4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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