from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
