she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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