We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
