So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
