I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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