Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
