I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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