Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
