You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
