cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
