Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
