I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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