Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
