Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
