respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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