It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
