matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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