So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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