So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
