Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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