What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
