I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
