I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
