I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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