if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
