Just took my morning after pill in the library
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
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I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
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You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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