Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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