i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
