Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
