All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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