either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize