she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
