I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
