it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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