I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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