You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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