i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
