rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
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