Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
