he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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