My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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