Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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