so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
