I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
